Feedback is not a gift
Feedback is not a gift. Think about the best gift that you've ever received. What does it bring to mind? Do you feel light and happy because someone really thought about you and curated the very perfect thing; something that surprised and delighted you? That is a gift.
Feedback on the other hand is not a gift - feedback is information. Sometimes that information can be very helpful and other times that information can be damaging and soul crushing. So, when people say feedback is a gift, I raise an eyebrow and think it's not.
That’s not to say that feedback isn't important and valuable.
When feedback is given with love and true intention, it’s easy to take in and it allows you to grow and evolve. However, we don’t always get feedback in this manner. Sometimes it’s given to you and the words hurt. Early in my career, I heard words like “pitbull,” “bulldog,“ and “bull in a china shop” to describe my often direct and assertive behavior. Yeah, it didn’t feel like a gift and it hurt my feelings. I’ve heard terms like “sharp elbows,” “leaving bodies in the wake,” and “aggressive” to describe other women during succession planning meetings and development discussions (funny enough, I’ve never heard any of these terms used to describe men). These words are not gifts. They are hard to hear. But the words are feedback.
So, what do you do when you get feedback that hurts and doesn’t feel good? First, recognize that it is OK to feel hurt. This is normal. But don’t stay here. Be curious about the feedback. Really evaluate what behaviors and actions might be leading to the feedback you are receiving. Often, you’ll get feedback, and the other person won’t give you specifics or examples. But if you are honest with yourself, you can probably step back and look at the information and identify it yourself.
You must understand that you have a choice. If you choose one path or the other, you should recognize that there will be benefits and consequences of any choice you make. Think of feedback as a process, a starting point, and initiation. It’s a place where you get information, and you can look at it with curiosity and ask yourself:
Is this feedback that I believe needs to be addressed?
Is there something in the feedback that I can use, even if it hurts or I disagree with it?
Is that something that I really want to take in and evolve and change?
Is this something that I just don't have the space or the capacity to deal with that right now?
In my case, I realized that my extroverted personality, coupled with my drive to deliver, caused me to push hard on projects and people. I needed to learn how to navigate informal channels to gain buy in and support. I started to pay attention to how people were responding in meetings – and recognized that I didn’t always need to be the first to speak up or voice my opinion. I asked a LOT of people I trusted to help me understand and recognize what might be causing the feedback. While the words “pitbull,” “bulldog,” and “bull-in-a-china shop,” were hurtful, and I could have just dismissed them as the other person’s issue, I didn’t. I was able to identify the behaviors and the impact those behaviors were causing. I chose to take the information and use it to grow and become an even better professional.
Yes, it's great to get feedback because it allows you to grow. But when you think about growing, growing requires transformation and change. It may require going through hard things to get to the good things. Feedback requires you to do the work. How you choose to process the information is up to you. So, yeah. feedback is not a gift.
Want to learn how to give feedback effectively?
Click here for our 5 Minute Feedback Guide